screaming lady gets ill

bus rides have been uneventful lately, but today was cold and rainy, which for some reason seems to bring out the crazy. which is important when you consider that the weather will be this way every day for approx. 9 months. anyways, bus going home today was crowded and wet, thus i was feeling a little frazzled and despondent. but i perked up when i saw screaming lady board the bus. “oh lord,” she sighed as she walked down the aisle. it was like she knew what was about to transpire, and was weary of it. i stared into my lap so i wouldn’t make eye contact and she took a seat behind me, at the back of the bus. after about half a second she became agitated.

“what are you staring at?” she asked the girl sitting across from her. the girl, obviously petrified, mumbled something and s.l. said “don’t stare at me. you’re gross.”

then she started in on the man sitting next to her. “can i use your phone?” she asked. the brave man laughed in her face. ”see?” she said. “there’s still racism in this world!”  

at this point a kid, obviously on drugs, decided to have a conversation with her. he explained that some people might be reluctant to let a stranger use their phone in case they abscond with it. “that’s not why that nazi over there won’t let me use his phone,”  s.l. said. “he’s not a nazi, he’s got flip flops on,” said the druggie. “i would never steal anyone’s phone,” s.l. said. the druggie then tried to comfort her by telling a joke about hitler. s.l. was not amused. “let’s not get racist!” she yelled. “i’m not going to sleep with you, i don’t have sex!” despite this uncomfortable situation, the druggie remained amicable towards her.

after that it was clear that no one was going to let s.l. use a phone, so she spent some more time insulting the poor girl across from her. after a while, she said “i better stop talking. every time i open my mouth something bad comes out.” everyone agreed, and she went on, ”you know why that is? it’s because i’m satan’s wife. and i’m pregnant with the antichrist.” at this point even the druggie was confused. “just kidding!” s.l. said, laughing hysterically. “but sometimes i think i’m pregnant because of all this fat!” “maybe you have a psychological pregnancy,” the druggie suggested. his effort to relate to her was admirable, but she still wasn’t happy. “the whole world hates me,” she declared.

at this point, my stop came up and i got off, along with the nazi. he immediately pulled out his well-hidden cell phone and called a friend. “dude,” he began, “i just had the illest bus ride ever. this lady got on, and i don’t even know if she was for real…”

bus news

Greyhound rider stabs, decapitates seatmate:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008085417_bus01.html

Riding bus may save $8,400 a year

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/373103_transit01.html

joe metro

metromance

i know this blog has exploited the unsolicited sexual advances of strangers as a central theme since its inception but to be honest, sometimes the bus offers forth some real hotties. after all, we ride the bus and i’d say with some confidence that all the girls who write here= more or less BANGIN’. so forget neck wound man (unless you’re into that sorta thing–no judgement) and remember the cute cyclist with the curly hair that sat behind you or the flaxen u dub lady who dropped her ipod. if you’ve ever been entranced by another bus rider but worried you’d come across as a crazy molester if you chatted him/her up, please send us an email (metromance@gmail.com) and we’ll begin posting these missed connections à la I SAW U.

DISCLAIMER: i’m not sure how one would accomplish this but if for some reason the email conveys any degree of molester-ness we will veto it forthwith. and if it’s from any of the usual suspects you can be sure you’ll not make the cut either. molesters have almost sole domain over the bus as it is so consider this a space for mutual, or at the very least potentially viable, attractions. so be perverted if you like, just remember that it’s gotta be sexy and have zero resemblance to the tired and mostly off-putting pickup lines we keep hearing on the bus. if you are uncertain as to whether or not your email qualifies as molester-y, check to see if it suggests any of the following:

-the exchange of funds for touching any underage girl’s breasts (thank you pajama pants man on QA circa 2003)

-frotterism (see previous post for extended definition)

- you let your stuffed barney doll do the talking

- you are attempting to recruit young women to be part of a movement called “gliz” i.e. “good girls gliz, bad girls go to hell, amen” (gentleman who frequented downtown buses circa ’03-’04)

otherwise, holler back!

-metromance

Late night romance

After a long day of work I caught a late night bus home…I was in a good mood last night so I boarded, greeted the bus driver cheerfully and took my seat. I barely noticed when the seat next to me was taken by a curly haired gentlemen wearing blue Adidas gym shorts and a blue windbreaker.

Like many women my age, I am susceptible to unwanted advances by the sleaziest, creepiest fucks that ride the bus. Now..this isn’t a conceited thing, this is just a bus thing…It’s like the men have just gotten out of a particularly long prison stay and any young, female is fair game. Anyway, I had my head phones in, but my usual stony look wasn’t on…so I was totally caught off guard when the gentlemen next to me began to grab/rub/itch/play with his crotch quite liberally. At first I thought he was just “adjusting” or whatever men do but it went on for such a prolonged period of time, I began to realize this was his form of a mating call or come-on,  way of flirting- whatever. I tried to scoot closer to the window where he proceeded to spread his legs as wide as he possibly could so his knee could be touching mine. Revolted, I removed my right leg from the situation ASAP. But my suitor was persistent. From my peripheral vision I could see that he had begun to stare very longingly at my face…trying to make eye contact no doubt, while multitasking by touching his crotch, again. I blatantly ignored this and began saying silent prayers that he would be getting off the bus well before my stop came. At one of the final stops before my bus turned from 3rd ave, a bunch of people were getting off and after much hesitation (like he was deciding whether to pursue this courtship or not) he slowly got up and shuffled off the bus, but not before he turned around a few times to give me a few more once overs.

I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and continued on my merry way…safe from bus love for one more day.

love is blind

yesterday i witnessed some seriously inspirational shit happen on the bus. i was on my way to queen anne when a man boarded the bus carrying a baby strapped to his chest and two small children yapping at his heels. i think the best way to describe his presence is “lumbering” but i’m insecure about my english language skills in light of recent altercations with british bureaucracy. basically, i mean to say he was huge and had a bag of groceries and he almost fell a dozen times. right when i was about to get all grinch-who-stole-the-right-to-be-fucking-annoying-and-loud on them, i noticed that the man was burdened by yet another object: a blind people cane.* he’s blind, i marveled as he shifted his grocery bags and infant, joking with his other two children like a squinting santa claus.

once everyone was on the bus, limbs accounted for, the blind man’s eldest son sat down and told his dad to sit down too. because things like this seem funny when your brain is still developing, the boy slid right under his father’s looming ass. this caused the poor man to nearly launch the baby down the aisle, into the arms of three magnificently alcoholic old men and impale me with a huge baguette. once the boy wiggled out from under his father, we all breathed a sigh of relief: the baby was still upright and smiling. 

now, i have a hard enough time dealing with my un-blind shit as it is. i struggle with juggling my bag, my ipod, my bus fare all the while trying really hard not to accidentally flash everyone my ass. and to be honest, i usually fail. but this man not only had three children, grocery bags and a cane but was fucking blind. i’m not sure how i feel about the general practice of strapping infants to blind people but i can say i find it impressive.

so i was really inspired by this little circus of a family. when they got off i could tell the whole bus was affected by the man’s bravery and the openness of their affections for one another. in the future, i hope to ride the bus with as much patience and grace as this man. i hope to learn to smile at those who get in my way, joke with those who give me a hard time and laugh off those who mean me harm. 

i also hope for my future children’s sake, that they are not ever dumb enough to attempt to trip me in public. because let’s be real, all the patience in the world wouldn’t prevent me from tossing them to the alcoholics like a football. or a forty. or a baby, it turns out.  

 

 

*again, unsure about the correct wording for such a cane but whatever.

my favorite bus character

i need to add to my list my favorite bus character of all time, a senile old man i think of as gandhi. i think of him as gandhi because, as a result of being in the late stages of dementia, he is always very happy. he’s usually wandering or on the buses downtown. his signature move is to get uncomfortably close to your face and mouth “hello”. if you say hi, you are rewarded with a toothless, gleeful smile. this happened to me today, and it was pretty nice.

also, on a crowded 18 going downtown a man addressed the general populace, “hey everyone! what’s the best vitamin for making friends?” “what?” everyone chorused. “b-1!” the man shouted. everyone laughed and smiled at each other. then another jokester said “hey dude! what’s the second best?” “what?” the original jokester asked, a little apprehensively. “don’t bogart that joint, dude!” the man yelled angrily. the moment of happiness and solidarity was thus over, and everyone was pained and uncomfortable yet again.

at the bus stop

today i picked the wrong bus stop to stand at and accidentally encroached on an angry crazy man’s territory. i soon became the focus of his wrath. “go stand somewhere else, creep!” he told me. i briefly considered that he might attack me, but he didn’t seem to be moving so i decided to ignore him and remain where i was. “i hate creepy people,” he muttered, and resumed his monologue. when my bus came, i gladly ran to it and he said, “that bus can go to hell, too.”

my janitor

for the past two days i have run late and had to catch a bus i usually do not take. both times i’ve been on this bus i’ve seen a janitor from my high school alma-mater, a developmentally delayed man in his forties who used to wink at me all the time. one of my peers, a particularly heinous individual who has gone on to do some really great things with heroin and power lifting, would tease him about me, asking him if he thought i was pretty, etc. and totally humiliating both of us. it always felt like an inexcusable exploitation of this man’s obliviousness to social cues, body language and proper modes of courtship (in this way he was similar to most boys i knew in those days). 

yesterday i got on just as the janitor was handing a pretty girl my age a bus schedule. she looked uncomfortable with this unique romantic gesture but took it graciously. 

when she had a chance, the girl moved to another seat further back. the janitor saw me then. i could tell he recognized me and i forgot the sweetness of the previous exchange. he looked back at me the whole bus ride and at one point got up and brought me a bus schedule too. i took it partly because the move was so transparent, partly because we were watched by the rest of the bus and partly because i kind of needed it. after that i decided i had to cut off contact and closed my eyes as i willed myself to disappear. 

today i caught the same bus and was greeted by the janitor. when he saw me he began shifting in his seat and staring at me. i tried to be as unreceptive to his interest as possible but it mattered little: he went over to the schedules, plucked one from the holder and offered it to me. i was startled by the moment’s lack of pretext, how he moved with no subtlety and how his small offering only slightly resembled things i’ve seen before. this time i rejected the gift; i really didn’t need the schedule and i didn’t want to encourage the flirtation.

that’s the thing about the bus: on it, you can feel so connected to your city and its people but as a young woman i can extend only a very limited amount of friendship to strangers. it is not in my nature to be cold but this mechanism has been forged from years of men’s bad behavior. 

because the janitor could not see my very obvious unease, he decided to move and sit down right next to me. i wanted to disappear. i tried, in fact, to shrink into myself until his hovering, twitching body was miles from mine.

i’ll not ride that bus again if i can help it.

stay away from brown seats

I have yet to post a real entry..I just wanted to let everyone know that last night around 9:30 on the #43 bus there was some sort of poo smeared all over the bus seat. Human or not…I wanted to vomit. I sat as far away in the back as I could…but wonders never cease! A man actually sat down NEXT TO THE POO SMEARED SEAT! My gag reflex was put to the test for sure.

More to come!