bus rides have been uneventful lately, but today was cold and rainy, which for some reason seems to bring out the crazy. which is important when you consider that the weather will be this way every day for approx. 9 months. anyways, bus going home today was crowded and wet, thus i was feeling a little frazzled and despondent. but i perked up when i saw screaming lady board the bus. “oh lord,” she sighed as she walked down the aisle. it was like she knew what was about to transpire, and was weary of it. i stared into my lap so i wouldn’t make eye contact and she took a seat behind me, at the back of the bus. after about half a second she became agitated.
“what are you staring at?” she asked the girl sitting across from her. the girl, obviously petrified, mumbled something and s.l. said “don’t stare at me. you’re gross.”
then she started in on the man sitting next to her. “can i use your phone?” she asked. the brave man laughed in her face. “see?” she said. “there’s still racism in this world!”
at this point a kid, obviously on drugs, decided to have a conversation with her. he explained that some people might be reluctant to let a stranger use their phone in case they abscond with it. “that’s not why that nazi over there won’t let me use his phone,” s.l. said. “he’s not a nazi, he’s got flip flops on,” said the druggie. “i would never steal anyone’s phone,” s.l. said. the druggie then tried to comfort her by telling a joke about hitler. s.l. was not amused. “let’s not get racist!” she yelled. “i’m not going to sleep with you, i don’t have sex!” despite this uncomfortable situation, the druggie remained amicable towards her.
after that it was clear that no one was going to let s.l. use a phone, so she spent some more time insulting the poor girl across from her. after a while, she said “i better stop talking. every time i open my mouth something bad comes out.” everyone agreed, and she went on, “you know why that is? it’s because i’m satan’s wife. and i’m pregnant with the antichrist.” at this point even the druggie was confused. “just kidding!” s.l. said, laughing hysterically. “but sometimes i think i’m pregnant because of all this fat!” “maybe you have a psychological pregnancy,” the druggie suggested. his effort to relate to her was admirable, but she still wasn’t happy. “the whole world hates me,” she declared.
at this point, my stop came up and i got off, along with the nazi. he immediately pulled out his well-hidden cell phone and called a friend. “dude,” he began, “i just had the illest bus ride ever. this lady got on, and i don’t even know if she was for real…”